Friday, May 27, 2011

day 1.



i anticipated how difficult the waiting would be while she was in surgery.
...trying not to think about it too much.
...trying not to wonder if everything was going ok.
it was difficult, but i was prepared and surrounded with friends and family. however, i did not anticipate how difficult the next few days would be. standing next to my baby.
totally.
completely.
helpless.
i cannot hold her. i cannot be sure she is not in pain. i cannot be sure my voice will bring her comfort - she always acknowledges my voice, but sometimes it causes her blood pressure to rise too high. i cannot help but wonder if she hears me and wonders why i won't pick her up. the nurses tell me not to fixate on the screen, but sometimes i cannot help it. scrutinizing each jump in her blood pressure. wondering if she is uncomfortable. her numbers have been stable today but so far she seems to be progressing slowly. this morning they determined she would need to remain paralyzed for at least another 24 hours to allow her heart and lungs more time to heal and adjust. they backed down her oxygen a bit, which is promising. i miss my little girl. i miss squeezing her. i miss her smile. i miss her gooing. i miss her little pointy finger she always does.
these times of difficulty also remind me how much i have to be thankful for. i'm grateful her recovery is going well. i'm grateful for all the doctors, nurses and staff at strong, they are wonderful. i'm grateful for a husband who never leaves my side. i'm grateful for finger lakes jamaican me crazy coffee. i'm grateful for the ronald mcdonald house. i'm grateful for friends and family and encouragement and prayers. thank you for your continued prayer. ...i promise i will post a picture when she gives me the pointy finger again.

photos by my one and only.

6 comments:

  1. So many thoughts and prayers are with you, Justin and Fabs <3 may your strength come from the Lord

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  2. sending lots of prayer & love your way. xoxo

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  3. I'm sorry you feel so helpless right now! It's so tough being in that position! I also know there's nothing anyone can say right now that'll make you feel better, so we'll just continue to pray for each of you! Keep us updated as much as you can and thanks for sharing your journey through this difficult time with us! We love you guys!

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  4. Found you from BabyCenter. I'll be praying for your sweet little dolly. She is DARLING. I'm following your blog too...love the swimsuit and hat pics, the Easter bonnet pics...all of them! She is a doll. I'll contniue to pray during her recovery...that you will have her back in your arms soon! One of God's tender mercies is that our little Jack won't be facing surgery. Keep looking up.

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  5. sweet little faba bean. we love you! hurry up and get better so you can give your momma the finger. :) we're all waiting to see the picture!

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