i anticipated how difficult the waiting would be while she was in surgery.
...trying not to think about it too much.
...trying not to wonder if everything was going ok.
it was difficult, but i was prepared and surrounded with friends and family. however, i did not anticipate how difficult the next few days would be. standing next to my baby.
i cannot hold her. i cannot be sure she is not in pain. i cannot be sure my voice will bring her comfort - she always acknowledges my voice, but sometimes it causes her blood pressure to rise too high. i cannot help but wonder if she hears me and wonders why i won't pick her up. the nurses tell me not to fixate on the screen, but sometimes i cannot help it. scrutinizing each jump in her blood pressure. wondering if she is uncomfortable. her numbers have been stable today but so far she seems to be progressing slowly. this morning they determined she would need to remain paralyzed for at least another 24 hours to allow her heart and lungs more time to heal and adjust. they backed down her oxygen a bit, which is promising. i miss my little girl. i miss squeezing her. i miss her smile. i miss her gooing. i miss her little pointy finger she always does.
these times of difficulty also remind me how much i have to be thankful for. i'm grateful her recovery is going well. i'm grateful for all the doctors, nurses and staff at strong, they are wonderful. i'm grateful for a husband who never leaves my side. i'm grateful for finger lakes jamaican me crazy coffee. i'm grateful for the ronald mcdonald house. i'm grateful for friends and family and encouragement and prayers. thank you for your continued prayer. ...i promise i will post a picture when she gives me the pointy finger again.
photos by my one and only.